The Lamentation of My Heart.

I agree with scripture, unfortunately it in a way makes me mad at God. Actually I am mad at myself for not understanding God, His ways, methods, timing, just Him. He loves those who He chooses to love and allows others to walk into hell because He chooses not to save them. This makes me extremely fearful because if the will of God is such that He did not choose those whom I love to be part of His flock then why did He choose me to be a member among them knowing it would break my heart to see them lost and knowing that there is absolutely nothing I nor anyone can in essence accomplish to save them. If He chose not to then they are forever lost and if He chose them to be part of His flock why have they not come when they hear His voice. I know the power of the Holy Spirit can over come all resistances man can make in their sinful state, I know that if God wills a man or woman to come to Him, while that can be resisted and indeed will be in our sinful state He is powerful enough to show them the right choice, and once they see it they will not be able to choose another because of the Glory that is God. I know I am being like the pot of Romans 9 yet in this state of flesh I cannot help it. It seems through the tears my broken heart is crying both "Why God" and "Blessed be Your Holy Name." It is praising the Lord for saving me, yet it would seem I am also inclined to scream that He shouldn't have chosen me and forsaken the ones I love. It is almost as if the more I know Him the more I love Him and want to know Him yet at the same time in the same way it almost makes me want to hate Him. It makes me question why a God who is Love would not love everyone because it is written "Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated." I am completely aware that the boldness of the statement is not that He hated Esau for Esau was a sinner but rather it was the peculiar thing about it is that He loved Jacob, whom by all accounts of men would have been considered a worse sinner than Esau. As such I too according to men seem to be a worse sinner than many of those whom I love and for this reason I cannot understand why God chose me for His own when there were so many better options out there. Oh the wonderful unconditional grace of God yet my heart laments for those whom I love that have no knowledge of Him. There is but one thing to do, and that is continue to share the good news of Christ, God in the Flesh, with them that perhaps in God's own time their eyes might be opened to the light, yet as it stands and from where my blurred vision rests I cannot see, I am a blind beggar that is simply praying for the lost whom I love every second, out of selfishness, because of love. Yet I know God works all things for His Glory, Show me Your Glory oh Lord that I too may understand why these things happen. Praise be the name of the Lord because He is Holy and wholly worthy of all praise, He gives and He takes away, He confounds the wise and allows the fools to see, Blessed be His Glorious Name. May He work in me to make me a fool for Him, for if I am wise I will never understand yet if I am made as a Child I may yet know. Praise be to God Most High, the God of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Jesus Christ.